Posts Tagged ‘human relationships’

I made a big mistake and paid a terrible price for it. For two days, I’ve driven up and down Highway 75 bawling my eyes out. I’ve stood frozen and staring in my kitchen, dredging the harbor of shame and coming up filthy, broken, and exhausted with that ashes-for-brains feeling that means emotional overload.

What did I do? I compromised my standing with the parents of the Lovely Young People by taking an idea that came up over dinner—graduation celebration! Trip to Europe! —to the LYP that should have gone to the parents first. The parents were furious. I was stupid.

A good friend has pointed me toward a few truths that are going down hard.

1. Whether I admit it or not my attachment to the LYP screams Michael
2. I’ve created an insular little world that looks a lot like stuck.
3. Next is not going to happen if I keep doing same

The debacle caught me off guard and ripped the scab off my grief. When Dad came to my house to break the news (no trip) in person, he also spoke Michael’s name, shared some sweet memories, and expressed his love for my son, all of which cracked that very buried, do-not-disturb, hard, hard carapace marked FEELINGS. Before it was done, both of us were crying, with the difference being Paul went home and presumably stopped the waterworks, while mine kept on going.
Loving people is just plain hard and being wrong — it’s awful.


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