Posts Tagged ‘moving on’

I have braces.

At least, that’s what I was trying to say to the nice man at the bank.  Unfortunately over the cell phone it was coming out “I jusss gaa brwathhes”.    To my list from yesterday (How to survive adult-onset braces) I added a #2 to my list of Rules To Live By For The Next Six Months:

  1. Avoid looking at or being seen by people
  2. Avoid talking to people

Yesterday’s initial foray to the gym went well.  I discovered what it is like to wear no makeup and speak to no one.  It’s like being the invisible woman…  kind of nice and a lot less work than being open and friendly, which I have to coach myself to do anyway.  So I’ll just spend the next six months silently alternating between house and gym (great plan!)

I thought I might be done posting forever.  Do you remember the commercial “weebils wobble but they don’t fall down?”  This seems to be true for grievers too, but the return to center can be really, really S-L-O-W.  I won’t bother writing about the why or the how or even the what of it.  A grief flare-up with intermittent showers of self pity.   I belong to an online recovery group, Key To Harmony, that had a terrific series of posts this week on grief versus self pity, all of them useful thoughts and illuminating too.  Here are a few (many thanks to Susannah!):

  • Grief is required to work through loss…to live with loss…to grow from loss.  With grief I will grow; with self-pity I will shrivel.
  • Like grief, self-pity will knock me to my knees.  However, grief will cause me to seek help and find the strength to stand up again.
  • Self-pity has me shaking my fist.  Grief forces me to open my hand and receive the pain and therefore release it. 
  • Self-pity brings the tears and makes me quit.  Grief brings the tears and helps me keep trying.
  • Self-pity will harden my heart.  Grief, if used correctly, will soften my heart. 
  • Self-pity is the hindrance that keeps me trapped in the loss. 
  • Self-pity says “Why is this happening TO me!?”  Self-pity makes me a victim and keeps me a victim. 
  • Self-pity will keep me down and say it’s your fault (or God’s) that I’m here in the first place.
  • Self-pity wallows in itself and feels self-righteous about its suffering.  Self-pity refuses to be consoled.

It’s good to know what I am dealing with, and very constructive to keep them straight, I think.

In the continuing effort to build a new life, I’ve done a few things since the last post.  They feel hodge-podgey and somewhat fake (this must be like learning to walk again, each foot awkwardly and tentatively thrusting itself out there, not sure the leg will receive and bear the body’s full weight but pressing forward nonetheless). Here’s what’s gotten done

  • Hosted a Breakfast Bonanza for the Lovely Young People – Writer, Teacher and Pastor.  Chris, the Lovely Young Pastor, was Michael’s best friend and this week passed through town between Commerce and Colorado for a summer camp staff position.
  • Booked trips to Denver and  San Francisco, (these have been on my Happiness Project List for some time!)
  • Accepted a work invitation to travel to Poland and Belgium this summer.
  • Bought tickets to Wicked and the Dallas Symphony.
  • Started researching options for adoption/foster parenting
  • Started painting again (a little bit, going slow, trying to feel my way back into it).

And how I can add to the list “started posting again.” 

It’s good to be back.


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